Every day we communicate with dozens of people: colleagues at work, friends, partners, relatives. Some of them have been building trusting relationships for years, but over time, they seem to have come to naught. Especially if you take on a part of the worries, listen to criticism in your address, or are afraid of a breakup. Let’s see how to realize that you are being manipulated.Â
Manipulation Techniques
Gaslighting
It would seem that you have noticed a problem and the first thing you decided to discuss with your loved one. After all, it’s important to preserve the relationship. But he convinces you that you are wrong and insists on his own:
- You’re making it up!
- I never said such things and never promised anything!
- You already don’t trust me, as I see.
After such a violent reaction, you begin to think that the friend or partner is right, but you are not, even if you’ve hit a jackpot at Book of Dead or have succeeded at your career. It turns out that you have a fictitious problem.
As a result, you don’t know that the person is manipulating you. And you can’t help but think: I should have kept quiet, now I’m apologizing for my stupidity. I’m worried for nothing. Our relationship is perfect, and there’s no problem.
This hidden kind of manipulation is called gaslighting. The person, like you, knows the truth. But he tries to convince you of what happened by means of accusations, resentment, abrupt change of topic.
Guilt Coercion
After a hard day, you forgot to write or call your loved one. And there were a lot of things to do; so you still got refused in some of the endless requests.
But a close person isn’t just offended by you, he expressed all the painful things to you:
- I’m trying so hard for you, and you can not even call!
- Who are chat rooms for? You should warn me, or I’ll have to do it for you!
- I thought we were a family!
You don’t take offense at all. On the contrary, you understand perfectly well that you are guilty and want to apologize.
Relationships based on guilt were studied by Stephen Karpman in 1968. The victim, who is at fault for everything, is pursued by the aggressor, he blames and hinges his opinion. A rescuer — someone who sides with the victim — often intervenes in their relationship. Over time, people change roles and everything starts all over again.
Excessive Importance and Urgency
A colleague at work or a friend asked for something small, for example, to lend $19 or babysit for a couple of hours. But these requests are becoming more frequent and larger, like a ride to the train station or lending $500. And it isn’t customary to refuse a colleague, friend, or partner. They know this and try to manipulate you.
You constantly hear how they need you:
- You need help now!
- But it won’t be for long! And I’m sure you’ll be great at it.
Most often, the manipulator’s requests are supported by time. The case is urgent, and you need to solve it immediately. But if you think about it, there isn’t such a harsh deadline.
Denial of Merit
You have helped a loved one by giving your time and effort. But he treats it as a must. So all you got in return was a pithy word:
- Thank you.
After such a thing, there is no desire to communicate. It seems as if it’s not enough. Especially if the requests are received and satisfied constantly. But to ask for something in return is uncomfortable and scary.
In such phrases, you can easily recognize insecurity and low self-esteem. You are easier to manipulate demur to it. You can return love to yourself with the help of a psychologist.
How to Fight Back Against a Manipulator
Each option has a different degree of difficulty, but they all work, make the manipulator back down and give up his tricks.
Setting Boundaries
Think about it: do you really give a lot to your loved one? How do you feel after meeting him or her?
Try to objectively assess the work, financial and personal burden. And then set boundaries and boldly say “no” if requests don’t fit into your comfort zone.
It’s better to be an inconvenient person who is turned away than to “feed” the manipulator with your energy and personal time.
If instead of dialog you again hear threats and accusations, it’s better to cut all ties with the manipulator: send him to the blacklist or move out of the common apartment.
Self-confidence
Try to voice your thoughts and needs more often. Especially if you are almost always silent and listening. Learn communication skills and practice them. Don’t be afraid to say directly what you feel and notice. Use the terminology, like manipulation, blackmail, and gaslighting.
If you hear that you are thinking or behaving inappropriately, keep clarifying why and say that it bothers you. During the conversation, it’s enough to explain your point of view without specific reasons like fatigue or too many duties.
Work on self-esteem together with a psychologist. Don’t give up your desires in favor of other people and their opinion.
Communication Skills
If the interlocutor presses and insists on his own, look him straight in the eyes; this will confuse him. Always answer confidently and do not allow him to object. If you see that the person is denying something you are sure of, gather evidence. It sounds large-scale and mysterious, but it’s enough to record his words on a tape recorder.
