In a sincere and open post to Facebook, Dublin mother Suzanne Black wrote of the dangers of postnatal depression. The emotionally-filled post was posted to the social media king when her second child, a daughter named Frankie was born.
The 26-yr-old Makeup Artist said she began to “hate her baby” because she had no time to herself and felt guilty for thinking that.
In what is now seen by Suzanne as a frightening comment, the mother said she even started to see images and think of killing her child, and shouted at her in her buggy one day, telling her daughter to “shut up”.
Suzanne finally sought help in St. Vincent’s hospital and was diagnosed with postnatal depression. She says that she’s “still fighting”, and says she loves her daughter “and always will” but it’s a one day at a time process.
Suzanne’s post reads:
“I feel I should share my story & hopefully it can help any new parents out there #mentalhealth.”
“As a second time new mum I should have been the happiest woman alive. I was blessed with the most beautiful little girl, her tiny hands & feet, her amazing little smile; this little healthy girl had been sent to me.
“She’s a gift, she’s everything, she’s mine & I’m her mother.
“It was my job not to fall, at least that’s what I told myself.
“A few weeks after she was born she was diagnosed as a colic baby.
“I noticed my feelings for her were nowhere near to what I had for my son. I looked fine but inside I wasn’t; the thoughts of facing another day with her to be at her needs felt like a chore.
“I couldn’t enjoy her but I brushed it off. Days passed, it was the same routine, her constant piercing cry in my head, not being able to move without her in my arms & wanting me.
“I was full of anger & frustration towards her. I hated her but I couldn’t let the world see that. I carried on, day after day she drained the life & soul out of me.
“Everyone would go to work & college & it would be me & her all day.
“I cried & cried but as soon as anyone was around I put that wall up.”
“To myself I thought ‘I’m f*cking failing as her mother’. I hated her – what’s wrong with me?
“I felt out of control, I couldn’t do anymore than what I’d done for her.
“Nothing was good enough for her, NOTHING. Constant crying & attention, I could barely get time for a shower.
“I didn’t know myself anymore – I was sinking. Was I doing wrong by her?
“I didn’t want to go out with her; in the end I didn’t even want to see anyone I knew.
“Support wasn’t great as everybody had work etc… I would throw her to anyone who wanted her – I wanted her gone.
“I was alone. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my partner or family what was truly going on, not even to my closest friends.
“I felt everybody would think I’d gone mad.
“Again more weeks passed, I was hoping I would wake up & be OK but it didn’t go. I couldn’t let anyone see me cry – I would wait until I was alone with her.
“I blamed her for everything, I felt she ruined my life and my bond with my son, I couldn’t have my time with just him.
He was barely getting a look in. I didn’t care that I couldn’t have a night out, all I wanted was to end it all. Had I made a mistake having her?
“I was killed with guilt. I felt selfish. I began to have horrible thoughts & images in my head for seconds, choking her, throwing her from a balcony, just shutting her up, but I knew I would never act on them.
“I wasn’t in that state of mind. I was suffocating. I was literally drowning in my emotions, I thought I was going mad.
“I screamed at her in her buggy one day, ‘Shut the f*** up’, from the top of my voice, then walked away from her.
“Rocking myself on the sofa (I thought) ‘I’m losing my f***ing mind, someone take this child.
“The guilt I had of feeling like this towards her was killing me – all I wanted to do was love her.
“She needed me but I wasn’t ME. I was scared my anxiety was so bad, I just couldn’t do it anymore.
“For almost four months it got worse & worse over time, I cant even explain.
“I then made a call after I completely broke down on my floor.
“I didn’t want her anymore, I was giving her up, I wouldn’t talk to anybody, I was reluctant.
“People then knew I was not OK. I was taken to Vincent’s Hospital & told I had suffered postnatal depression.
“What’s this, I never had it before, why am I like this???
“It’s a very common illness for parents, she said, you have been having this a while & it will go Suzanne!
“I just lay there crying. I hadn’t often heard of this illness & it’s a shame I wasn’t more aware.
“I am seeking professional help these past few weeks.
“Thanks to Chun Mhuire & all family/friends & partner for their support.
“Without my daughter having them I don’t know how both my kids would be looked after these past weeks.
“I just want people to understand the meaning of mental health – it can happen to anybody & you need to fight.
“Nothing is better than coming out the other side.
“The mind is the most powerful. Everybody is fighting a battle big or small & we need to be more aware of this.
“Silencing yourself will not help. Please if anybody can relate to what I’ve been through or is in any way having other more serious problems it’s always better to talk.
“I’ve always had a good normal life, a girl who takes it all in her stride, but none of this makes anybody crazy, it’s part of life & somehow this caught me.
“I can’t fully explain postnatal depression but I can tell you it’s the worst feeling in the whole world.
“I’m still fighting but I am coming out on top.
“Every step is one step foward. I love my daughter & I always will.”
The postnatal depression helpland can be found at Postnatal Depression Ireland, who can be contacted on 021 4922083.